I apologize in advance for my rant, but I just have to get this out. My mother passed a few months back. For the most part, she had her legal affairs in order with her 3 children as equal beneficiaries per her will. The only exception was an insurance policy left to an older child many many years ago with the expectation that the older sibling would look out for the other 2 younger siblings. I truly believe it was a complete oversight as to why my mother didn't update the beneficiary information.

Fast forward to today, all sibs are fully grown and that older sibling didn't lift a finger during mother's four year cancer journey. They may have visited a total of 5x for a total of 10 hours and maybe called once a week if that. Reason given "I'm busy".

I know there is nothing I can do if this sibling decides to keep that entire insurance policy. I was the one who scraficed and cared for my mother and would do it again. My other sibling helped me out as much as they could and fully supports me. So my question would be how could someone dishonor their parent and live with themselves knowing full well the intent of their parent wishes? I have much faith and I shutter to think what's going to happen to this soon to be estranged sibling.

Thanks for listening.

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Some people just aren't very nice.
That goes for siblings, spouses, parents, etc.
You have known this to be the case for some time.
These people live with themselves very nicely, and often pass along without a care in the world; I myself don't believe in kharma or divine retribution.
These people are best left to their own devices and their own lives; that seems to have been the case all these years anyway. And on you go with a good life of your own, treasuring your memories and knowing you did a great job.
Just get on with life, and make it good, make it quality, make it as happy as you can. I wish you the best and am sorry for your loss.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to AlvaDeer

This is something I struggle with, I am left to help my parents while my sister visits once every few months for less than an hour. When the day comes that both my parents are gone there is no doubt that my sister will be right there with her hand out. But it comes as no surprise because she has always only been there to take. I don't know how you deal with it but my plan is to go for the 'Best revenge in life is living well" strategy because I can think of nothing else to do. Waste no more of your life being angry at someone who just doesn't care how you feel..take that time back and look for happiness ....and someday.. when that sibling looks to you for help, well, you will be too busy, somewhere on a beach.
Remember what you did for your mum and be proud of the kind of person you are, really proud. Now go and treat yourself accordingly.
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Reply to FarFarAway

We are all wired differently. Simply put.

My siblings badgered my cognitively impaired father to change his beneficiary from my mother, to the two of them ~ he died nine days later due to an “accident.”

Months later, as my mother lay dying in a hospital bed, a sibling walked in and, in the last words he spoke to me, they said, “I can only stay an hour.”

I was the primary care support for my parents the last 4 years of their lives and dropped everything at each crisis moment.

I wish you peace as you close that door of that relationship and cherish the bond with your likeminded sibling. It’s okay to let go of people who you will never understand.

Thank you for being the angel to your parent. They knew goodness.
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Reply to Susanora

Yes, I'm very proud for taking good care of my mother. I made her feel safe and loved and she was happy until she passed away. Thanks for your kind words.
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Reply to Nurturbynature

I have been constantly surprised by how NOT surprised I am by some people's actions.

My OB robbed my parents blind, yet in their will, he would have received 1/6th of their estate, just like the rest of us who DIDN'T take their home equity, silver, antiques and coin collections.

OB passed 11 years ago, but the will pre-dated his death and I have to say, that it rankled in my soul that he could be so greedy and STILL inherit the same as the rest of us.

It's less than $10K a piece, but he had bilked mom and dad of almost $200K.
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Reply to Midkid58
NeesaLee Jan 31, 2022
But look at it another way…..he isnt alive and you are. People usually get what they earn in life, some call it karma, some call it consequences…… either way……
letting ot go is the healthiest way to go!!
This is one of the reasons why I as a financial planning professional revisit beneficiary designations on an annual basis.

Your sibling has no legal reason to share the insurance proceeds with you. If as you say the policy was set up a long time ago, was it done when you and your other sibling were minors? In which case it makes sense.

No one is obligated to provide care to their parents, or visit etc. Even two siblings who were raised in the same home can have very different upbringings and feelings about providing care. It does not mean one is right and the other wrong.
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Reply to Tothill
Nurturbynature Jan 27, 2022
I get all that your saying and thanks for your input.
Let it go. The anger you feel hurts no one but you. The most important thing is knowing you gave your all to caring for your Mom. May she rest in peace.
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Reply to NYCmama

It is amazing the way that the poor health, advanced needs or death of a parent can bring out the absolute worst in sibling children. Sometimes, you have to think that it is the way those parents wanted it to be. That parent could have changed the beneficiary to that policy at any time. We can only hope to move forward with our own children. My mother (turning 100f this year) lives with my wife and I. Neither of her other children could do this. I'm her POA in every respect. Two years ago, I made sure her will spread whatever she has left after her demise equally between all three. My intention is to never carry slights into the future. Help me hope it works out that way. It is no one's fault to be born, and whatever we feel we owe our parents is our own decision, no one else's.
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Reply to Toomush

First, I'm sorry about your loss, and thank you for caring for your mom. She was lucky to have you. It takes a lot of time and patience to care for a loved one.
第二个……请不要误会我,但我是going to play the flip side of this situation. Please realize....Some people are not cut out to be caregivers. Some people realize there is more to life than caregiving. Some people ARE too busy. Perhaps they have obligations to a spouses parent, a disabled child, cannot afford to put their job on the line to care for their parent, perhaps they travel for work or live a long distance away from the sick parent and can't afford to travel often. There are so many scenerios that could legitimately make someone too busy to care for someone. Sounds like you were lucky enough to be able to afford the time and effort to care for your mom. Yaay for you. You go on saying how you were the caregiver and your sibling done nothing. Did you specifically ask this sibling to do anything to help outside of the caregiver part? Such as pay the bills, etc? You said yourself they checked in often. Evidently, that wasn't enough. Some caregivers want to be in charge of it all, then complain no one done anything to help. I'm not saying this is you, just saying. Did you specifically talk to the sibling that inherited the insurance policy about receiving your fair share?
Who had POA who could have helped mom to get this fixed before she passed? Who was in charge of the will? This person had the responsibility to make sure all proceeds were to be divided equally and they failed miserably to split the proceeds up accordingly so that your sibling that inherited the insurance policy would have got their $ and you and the other sibling would have split the rest to make sure that all 3 siblings got their equal fair share.
From what I've read, it sounds to me that you are kicking this sibling to the curb because you didn't get what you think you deserve. As i recall, the policy was for $10K. So your equal share would have been $3,333.33. Life is not fair. Had this sibling mistreated you or disrespected you in any way in the past? Is this sibling putting the insurance $ aside to actually take care of you in some way as you stated or are you assuming the worst? It sounds to me that it's all about you and money. Let that stuff go and get on with your life. If you let estrangement set it, then you've got to realize there is NO chance of getting that money you are wanting so badly. Even if it's your fair share. If you keep positive lines of communication open, at least you've got perhaps a chance to get something. If you feel the need to be upset and put the blame on someone, blame your mom...or better yet, the person who was the representative of the will. . All this could have been eliminated had someone done their job diligently and made sure all the money was fairly distributed. I say Let. it. go. Life is too short.
In today's world, 3K is not a lot of money that you can do much with besides putting a wedge between you and your sibling. Perhaps look at it in the way of the value of your memories with your mom. I'm sure all that extra time with her was worth more than 3K. It's your choice because life is full of choices. Good luck to you.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Flowerhouse1952
JoAnn29 Jan 31, 2022
A DPOA does not give the person assigned the authority to change any legal documents. They cannot change a Will or beneficiaries on an insurance policy. They cannot coerce someone into making those changes. DPOA is a tool so when the time comes you can help the person who assigned you. You can pay bills, you can place the person in an AL or LTC. You can sell their house to pay for their care. You responsibility is to make sure their wishes are carried out.
Let go.................block the phone and let them take any belongings they want. Cleanse your mind of resentment and judgement so that you can set yourself free. I wrote a letter to my older brother to tell him I never wanted to see him or hear from him again; he was a horrible brother, a horrible son and a loser husband (which was none of my business, but I felt sorry for his weak wife).

I have been free of resentment and contact for 40 years and I'm grateful that I took the high road. When we carry the burden of hate, we weigh ourselves down and set limitations on our happiness: don't do that!
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to ConnieCaretaker

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