Now DB says since mom is ok with me here in America, let her be. I've told him many times I need a mental break, how her insurance is so expensive ( Mom won't get medicare/medicaid yet). But it's "all water off the duck's back" with DB. After a lot of pleading, he finally sent some money towards her insurance.
the thing is, his son has moved here for graduate studies but the nephew has not called us nor did DB inform me of his flight details. (We knew he got admission here but was stuck back in his country due to covid). I thought DB might have at least told me he was arriving this month,
with all this going on in my mind, how should I handle the next phone call even if it's 6 months away? Even if nephew does call, I worry I might take out my general anger on him. Is there a way to be friendly with DB despite the BIG ELEPHANT in the room?
一世don't know that I would even talk to him. My brother threatened our dad and my dad was scared. So the last time I talked to my brother was when he was telling me what he did and said, who threatens a feeble old man. I haven't even tried contacting him about our dads death, one year ago this month. He has made his stance perfectly clear and I can not be civil to someone that would do what he did.
You have to make the decision if he is worth it. Does he enrich your life in any way or is he just a thorn in your side?
Great big warm hug!
一世have no solution for you, but I want you to know I hear you. It is hard.
一世am like your brother. In my family, all are Canadian, so all are eligible for government benefits. Dad lives with my brother. I will never provide hands on care for my Dad.
why not? Dad has been abusive to me my entire life, because he decided when I was a toddler that I was defective.
一世n your case, you did what you thought was best for Mum, providing care in your home in the US, instead of leaving her in India with no oversight. Sadly it is not your brother's job to pick up the slack, just as it was not your job to move her in the first place.
一世know you feel you had no other options at the time.
你和你的兄弟可以h呢ave a conversation, perhaps with a mediator, to talk about how to move forward with Mum's care? Not you telling him what he has to do, but explaining in detail what Mum needs and asking for him to help. Keep in mind he is not obligated to help.
maybe send them an itemized statement of your expenses to care for mom with a note of how these could be split so that each of you is responsible for 1/2. Be sure to add in to that statement the cost of hiring enough help for yourself.
Under these circumstances, you have to act as if you have no brother. Make all decisions about your mother alone. Use your brain, not your heart for making those decisions. You are smart, you will find the right path. Get some assistance from elderly-related social agencies, Accept that you're alone in this endeavor.
You are hurt because your brother is not meeting your expectations of who you wish (and thought) he was.
just because you are blood-related to your brother, if he is not treating you or your mother well, you have zero more than nostalgic memories. Enjoy those memories… love them for what they are and move on.
Your mother’s needs will grow. He will probably vanish even more over time. This will be maddening if you let it be.
You are getting nothing from him so shift your expectations, expect nothing and you won’t continuously be hurt. He isn’t giving you any false promises or expectations. Don’t expect anything from your nephew— If your nephew wanted a relationship, wouldn’t he contact you himself?
stop “giving” anything to your brother and his son. By doing otherwise, you will only hurt yourself.
Look to your kind friends and other family members. You are probably surrounded by love and support. Realize that this is the next chapter of “family.”
我真的感觉你。突出记得照顾啊f yourself. And, have a wonderful Christmas!
Call your brother with facts and solutions and an air of sternness. Because if you come at him with out of control emotion, he will shut it down and not hear you.
who shows up? With a stack of Christmas gifts for my mom? You got it. My brother. "Passing through." If he'd bothered to let me know, I could have stayed home. I could barely be civil.
Figure out what is going to work best for you - what you can live with - what won't bring on guilt. And this doesn't mean it will be easy. What you decide to do for yourself and your mother may be the hardest thing you ever do. Caregiving is a selfless act but I believe we are called to serve others and there are blessings in our efforts to do our best for a loved one.
一世moved my mother in with me a year and a half ago during the pandemic. I was told she had given up on life and I didn't want her to die alone in the facility without ever seeing us or her grandchildren again.
一世thought I would get more help from my sister but she has made it abundantly clear that she is has a life and not much time for mom. We finally came to an arrangement for mom to go to her house every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night. At one point, I told my sister I needed more help. Her response was to put her back in the facility I had taken her out of. I never expected my sister to do as much as I was doing. I just hoped that she would offer what she could - even if it was just to pick mom up earlier on Fridays - or take her to a doctor's appointment every now and then.
the straw that finally broke the camel's back for me was at Thanksgiving. She was going to take mom for a few hours on Thanksgiving Day. I hoped that she might take her for a few more days so I could get away to a family cabin with my family. Her response was that she couldn't because she had a houseful of people to entertain, a party to go to on the weekend and that she was already missing her granddaughter's dance recital because it fell on her weekend.
一种ll of this may have been true but it was the way she came across - as if her life is much more imporant than mine and the social activities that are a part of her life are more important than helping with mom.
so now mom has declined to a point doctors have said it would be too hard on her to travel back and forth between homes. My sister has to come here to see her.
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