Now DB says since mom is ok with me here in America, let her be. I've told him many times I need a mental break, how her insurance is so expensive ( Mom won't get medicare/medicaid yet). But it's "all water off the duck's back" with DB. After a lot of pleading, he finally sent some money towards her insurance.


the thing is, his son has moved here for graduate studies but the nephew has not called us nor did DB inform me of his flight details. (We knew he got admission here but was stuck back in his country due to covid). I thought DB might have at least told me he was arriving this month,

我坚持看到B&W中的东西... DB必须接管妈妈...我不会再有任何方法,因为我希望他和SIL看到她需要多少帮助以及它使我们付出了多大的代价。他发送的金额基本上是花生

with all this going on in my mind, how should I handle the next phone call even if it's 6 months away? Even if nephew does call, I worry I might take out my general anger on him. Is there a way to be friendly with DB despite the BIG ELEPHANT in the room?

厌倦,he is never going to take your mom. He has made that clear by words and action.

一世don't know that I would even talk to him. My brother threatened our dad and my dad was scared. So the last time I talked to my brother was when he was telling me what he did and said, who threatens a feeble old man. I haven't even tried contacting him about our dads death, one year ago this month. He has made his stance perfectly clear and I can not be civil to someone that would do what he did.

You have to make the decision if he is worth it. Does he enrich your life in any way or is he just a thorn in your side?



Great big warm hug!
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
bundleofjoy 2021年12月18日

terrible brother.
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一世have no solution for you, but I want you to know I hear you. It is hard.

一世am like your brother. In my family, all are Canadian, so all are eligible for government benefits. Dad lives with my brother. I will never provide hands on care for my Dad.

why not? Dad has been abusive to me my entire life, because he decided when I was a toddler that I was defective.

一世n your case, you did what you thought was best for Mum, providing care in your home in the US, instead of leaving her in India with no oversight. Sadly it is not your brother's job to pick up the slack, just as it was not your job to move her in the first place.

一世know you feel you had no other options at the time.


你和你的兄弟可以h呢ave a conversation, perhaps with a mediator, to talk about how to move forward with Mum's care? Not you telling him what he has to do, but explaining in detail what Mum needs and asking for him to help. Keep in mind he is not obligated to help.
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Reply to Tothill
wearynow 2021年12月18日
tothill, I am so sorry your dad chose to view you so negatively, what a thing to deal with....Thank you for giving me your thoughts....maybe some day DB and I will meet in Switzerland (neutral country..heheh) when the bitterness fades....
the elephant in the room has nothing to do with nephew, so leave that out of the situation.

告诉兄弟和西尔,您无法独自负担妈妈的照顾。您可能会告诉他们,您有一张XX日期购买的票,将她发送给他们6个MOS。每个人都会做1/2年。- 扔在那里看什么。
maybe send them an itemized statement of your expenses to care for mom with a note of how these could be split so that each of you is responsible for 1/2. Be sure to add in to that statement the cost of hiring enough help for yourself.
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Under these circumstances, you have to act as if you have no brother. Make all decisions about your mother alone. Use your brain, not your heart for making those decisions. You are smart, you will find the right path. Get some assistance from elderly-related social agencies, Accept that you're alone in this endeavor.
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Reply to TChamp
santalynn Dec 21, 2021
Yes, and give up trying to get through to brother with either kid gloves or complaining; he has left you on your own with mom so you don't owe him anything, even talking on the phone. Live 'as if' you 'had' a brother; you do have a sibling but not a brother in the way of a helping/supportive family member.
一种dvice from someone who has been there…

You are hurt because your brother is not meeting your expectations of who you wish (and thought) he was.

just because you are blood-related to your brother, if he is not treating you or your mother well, you have zero more than nostalgic memories. Enjoy those memories… love them for what they are and move on.

Your mother’s needs will grow. He will probably vanish even more over time. This will be maddening if you let it be.

You are getting nothing from him so shift your expectations, expect nothing and you won’t continuously be hurt. He isn’t giving you any false promises or expectations. Don’t expect anything from your nephew— If your nephew wanted a relationship, wouldn’t he contact you himself?

stop “giving” anything to your brother and his son. By doing otherwise, you will only hurt yourself.

Look to your kind friends and other family members. You are probably surrounded by love and support. Realize that this is the next chapter of “family.”
Helpful Answer (5
Reply to ACaringDaughter

一世think there are so many of us in similar situations. My mom is in assisted lliving and I visit pretty regularly. Sometimes she says mean and hurtful things so I will stay away for a bit, then when I do go back she's as sweet as pie.


我真的感觉你。突出记得照顾啊f yourself. And, have a wonderful Christmas!

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Reply to CaregiverL

You need to sit down and calmly write out moms schedule, moms expenses and the changes that your family have had to bare for her to live with you. Present these things to your brother. You can email the list to him and then make a face time call and ask him to pull up the list so that you can discuss things. Remind him that you are not an only child and will not continue to take on all of the responsibility as if you were. Ask him if he has any suggestions to remedy the situation so that it is fair and agreeable to both siblings. If he doesn't have any suggestions, let him know that you do and then present him with your idea of splitting the year half at your house then half the year at his. Let him know that you have already done your half and that he needs to make arrangements for her travel and begin the next six months with him.



Call your brother with facts and solutions and an air of sternness. Because if you come at him with out of control emotion, he will shut it down and not hear you.

Good Luck!
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Reply to Jamesj
santalynn Dec 21, 2021
bingo, and SO glad to read this from a man, kudos!
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Let me know on that last one. My situation is much the same--just not as bad. My brother acts like helping with our mom is "optional." My sister and I give him specific tasks. (Like power-washing the house). We end up giving up after months of waiting and doing it ourselves. I work 6 days a week, travel 6 hours round trip to my mom's Sundays. I really didn't want to go this Sunday...so much of my job work to do,,,But I went. Because that's what I have to do.
who shows up? With a stack of Christmas gifts for my mom? You got it. My brother. "Passing through." If he'd bothered to let me know, I could have stayed home. I could barely be civil.
Helpful Answer (4
santalynn Dec 21, 2021
that's almost laughable, isn't it? As if showing up with stacks of presents balances out the 'caring'. Too many in our culture still seem to think caretaking is the job of the females, the 'nurturers.' For brother to blow off the 'guy jobs' is ridiculous, and he knows he can shirk and you'll take up the slack. For fun, and to make a point, I'd be tempted to send him a bill for the cost of power washing the house! Not that he'd pay, but to show him time and effort has Value. As does your caretaking. If brother can't show up in a real way, tell him he needs to provide some financial support instead (kind of what the stack of Christmas gifts represents.) Let that be his 'contribution' to elder care so you can hire help to save your sanity/health.
硬新闻是,有时候没有什么变化matter how many times you try to get other family members to help with their own parent. It won't matter how you express your need for more help-whether it be a letter, a phone call, a face to face conversation. It won't matter if you express your needs angrily or in a pleading way. Many of us have learned this the hard way and have finally accepted the fact that we are alone in the caregiving of our loved one.
Figure out what is going to work best for you - what you can live with - what won't bring on guilt. And this doesn't mean it will be easy. What you decide to do for yourself and your mother may be the hardest thing you ever do. Caregiving is a selfless act but I believe we are called to serve others and there are blessings in our efforts to do our best for a loved one.

一世moved my mother in with me a year and a half ago during the pandemic. I was told she had given up on life and I didn't want her to die alone in the facility without ever seeing us or her grandchildren again.
一世thought I would get more help from my sister but she has made it abundantly clear that she is has a life and not much time for mom. We finally came to an arrangement for mom to go to her house every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night. At one point, I told my sister I needed more help. Her response was to put her back in the facility I had taken her out of. I never expected my sister to do as much as I was doing. I just hoped that she would offer what she could - even if it was just to pick mom up earlier on Fridays - or take her to a doctor's appointment every now and then.

the straw that finally broke the camel's back for me was at Thanksgiving. She was going to take mom for a few hours on Thanksgiving Day. I hoped that she might take her for a few more days so I could get away to a family cabin with my family. Her response was that she couldn't because she had a houseful of people to entertain, a party to go to on the weekend and that she was already missing her granddaughter's dance recital because it fell on her weekend.
一种ll of this may have been true but it was the way she came across - as if her life is much more imporant than mine and the social activities that are a part of her life are more important than helping with mom.

so now mom has declined to a point doctors have said it would be too hard on her to travel back and forth between homes. My sister has to come here to see her.

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Reply to Beatlefan

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